# Pillars of Impact for Web Engineers

You might be reading this title and thinking _wat_. It's okay, so am I. Thing is, my friend and ex-coworker [Iris](https://twitter.com/iris_schaffer) asked me for some thoughts about "different ways web engineers can have impact, and how they can grow it over time", and I started writing an answer when I realized it would be way too long for iMessage. This is that answer. But before I answer, maybe I should build some credibility before?

![Message from Iris](/img/blog/impact/iris.png)

## Tejas why should I trust u

I've been "an engineer" since I was 8 years old. That's in quotes because, well, I wasn't a professional. Still, I wrote code from that age. Started with basic HTML, then CSS, then JavaScript, then TypeScript, then YAML, then SQL, GraphQL, HCL, you get the gist. It's been 21 years since my first line of code, and 10-ish since my first job. Since then, I've worked either full-time or contractually for [Spotify](https://spotify.com/), [Vercel](https://vercel.com/), [G2i](https://g2i.co/), and others, picking up things along the way. The jobs have been some mix of Individual Contributor (coding-heavy) roles, and managerial roles between companies.

![Testimony from my former teammate, ever friend Mischa](/img/blog/impact/mischa.png)

The TL;DR is I've been both, a web engineer, and a web engineering _manager_ for a significant portion of my life (I think 1/3). In this time, I've seen things and recognized patterns where engineers can have impact and grow it over time. So, here's

## How I Think Web Engineers Can Have Impact and Grow it Over Time

The answer is nuanced and so abstract that I can't really think about it much without first isolating categories. Think of it as adding a few constraints in order to narrow scope, _then_ formulating a more structured answer. The categories I'm using to narrow scope are categories that I consider important for general flourishing in a given human's life that are usually also backed by science and general wisdom. Each category is not a silo, and there is considerable overlap between them. Without further ado, here's how I think web engineers can have and grow impact.

### 1. Emotional Impact

Web engineers can (and often do) have emotional impact on their teams, managers, and companies at large.
[If you’ve ever asked for help and heard _“just read the docs”_](https://twitter.com/TejasKumar_/status/1129815603554988032), you’ve seen this kind of impact on its negative side. Conversely, if you frequently experience communication prefixed with “yes and” over “no, but”, you might see positive _emotional_ impact from engineers.

In all of my years working either as an engineering manager or engineer, **negative emotional impact is the number 1 reason I've seen people leave companies and experience burnout**, while positive emotional impact allows teams to not only flourish, but **consistently go the extra mile without experiencing burnout**. This is also backed in science, with [this 2018 study](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30087493/) referencing burnout as emotional exhaustion from adverse working conditions, and [this 2020 study on nurses working in long-term healthcare centers](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7399977/) reporting that the optimism (or positive vibes) among nurses modulated their occupational health (in other words, prevented burnout).

With these facts, I consider this not just _a_ pillar of impact, but _the_ pillar of impact that is foundational to the skill set of any web engineer because **we work in teams**, and partially due to the fact that **as long as people care, there is always an emotional impact**–even if we don't notice. It is the onus of a talented engineer to be aware that their thoughts, words, deeds, and motives have an emotional impact on those around them, and work to have a positive one.

#### How Can We Grow It?

Assuming we want to grow _positive_ impact, I'd encourage **practicing vulnerability.** Human beings have evolved tremendous bullshit radars, and most of us can tell fake from a mile away. Even if awkward or uncomfortable, truth always wins over deceit. We usually are afraid to be authentic because we've been hurt or judged in the past for it. It's putting a fig leaf over our nakedness. We do it because it makes us feel safe while not recognizing that it's actually hurting us and the relationships around us. 

I propose, through trial and error, even if it's awkward and painful, working out at an individual level what it would take to present the naked, beautiful truth–and do it. This will probably be different for everybody, but I truly believe it's worth it.

If we're looking for a resource that can help get started, my go-to is [Brené Brown's incredible TED Talk on vulnerability](https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en).

#### A Personal Example from Me, A Web Engineer

- **Negative Impact:** At one of my first jobs, a bug of mine was found in production. The engineer then proceeded to say

> I can't believe we pay for this shitty Indian code. What a mistake hiring such a junior developer

I went home crying, and eventually burned out and quit.

- **Positive Impact:** By being vulnerable and respectful, I was able create a team where we spoke freely and openly while creativity soared and people often said things like this. It was the best team I've ever been on to date.

![My former team saying nice things about me lol](/img/blog/impact/slava.png)

This is not ego-stroking, but actual, measurable impact I had as a web engineer where people felt emotionally safe and well represented. Throughout my entire tenure there, nobody quit until I eventually did. Once I left, it wasn't long before others followed.

My whole goal is for you to be able to have a similar impact through the contents of this blog post.

### 2. Social Impact

As [Sandra Ahlgrimm](https://twitter.com/sKriemhild)'s Twitter bio says, _we rise by lifting others_. Human beings have evolved to be where we are today because we're social creatures. Thousands of years ago, **isolation meant death**: if you're not part of the group, you're left alone against the wolves. This hasn't changed. Humanity falls apart when people are excluded, with [empirical evidence](https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2019.00042/full) that exclusion creates nazis, terrorists, and people like Vladimir Putin.

Therefore, I'd consider this another import pillar of impact I'd expect web engineers (but also people in general lol) to pay attention to.


#### How Can We Grow It?

We rise by lifting others. Web engineers tend to be a relatively privileged echelon of society. Who are we lifting? Who can we lift? Who can we mentor? I'd suggest that if we want to grow our social impact, we keep our eyes and ears open–both inside our places of work, and outside using platforms like [Tupu.io](https://tupu.io)–for those we can lift with us either through mentoring, pair programming, or even something as simple as _lending an ear_ (since we have two) and **listening to understand over listening to respond**. This can and does move mountains in the lives and careers of our peers.

#### A Personal Example from Me, A Web Engineer

- **As a Mentor:** I mean, you see the stuff from Twitter above, but here's more:

![A Chat with Shruti Balasa](/img/blog/impact/shruti.png)

[Shruti](https://twitter.com/shrutibalasa) asked me to mentor her and I agreed. Today, she's soaring in success and her joy is my joy. I take great joy in having as much positive social impact as I do, and I grew it by siezing every opportunity to serve people, starting with 1-10 people in like 2015, to many more worldwide today.

- **As a Mentee:** [Lee. Freaking. Johnson.](https://twitter.com/leejohnsonMS) Hands down **the best manager I've ever had**. He has an energy about him that is extremely relaxed, kind, patient, and servant-heared; so much so, I used to feel so free I'd even call him on Saturday for marriage advice and he'd take the time to give me some. 

I was his report at [G2i](https://g2i.co/), one of the best places I've worked. His mentorship, combined with the executive coaching G2i got me, would go on to have me grow in emotional intelligence and benefit every relationship I have: personally, and professionally. 

I am convinced this is Lee's joy, as he rises by lifting others.

This is an important note. For social impact, I feel like the motivation _has_ to be **their growth and our joy**. If we're not the kind of people who take joy in others' success, there may be more personal issues within us to work through in order for us to have a truly abundant human experience.

### 3. Creative Impact

Human beings are idea machines. If you start a database company, it's only a matter of time until someone has an idea to create a drag-and-drop CSV import _because they can_. How we deal with these ideas is the creative impact we can have as web engineers. While this is a _technical topic_, the process of having an expressing an idea is a creative one. Thus, I'm focusing on the creative aspect of impact here.

When people have ideas–creative ideas, maybe unexpected ideas out of left field–it's usually motivated by positive intent to help improve a given situation. Even bad ideas of harming other people are usually enacted to benefit the idea's author. Ideas, more often than not, are a means of intentionally wanting to improve a circumstance. 

If a teammate shows up with a creative idea and it's met with suspicion, apprehensiveness, uncertainty, or doubt–this will often have an adverse impact and [people will leave](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f60dheI4ARg&t=2m). Why? Because, at the root of it, an attempt to improve a circumstance is rejected. If a common occurrence, this sends people down a rabbit hole of _"what's the point? There's no use sharing this"_, which will ultimately drive a negative emotional state that leads to pessimism, and eventually burnout. Do you see now why emotional impact was at the top of the list?

When ideas are met with receptiveness and open collaboration, beautiful things happen–like [Vercel's beautiful landing page](https://vercel.com/workflow), [React](https://reactjs.org/) as a web framework, and [Yeezys](https://www.adidasyeezyboost.de/product-category/yeezy-foam-rnnr/) (okay, maybe subjective on beautiful). You get the idea.

#### How Can We Grow It

I feel like a lot of this just comes down to _"be aware you have an impact"_. If you'd like to see people's creativity explode where they come up with some of the [best](https://makefrontendshitagain.party/) and [unexpectedly awesome](https://blahaj.xyz/) [stuff](https://whitep4nth3r.live/) you've seen, **trust them**. Like Steve Jobs says in the [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f60dheI4ARg)–trust them, let them see it through, and help them bring their vision to life. 

With this, it's probably best to also exercise caution. When presented with ideas, I often find myself asking "what's the worst that will happen if we go through with this?", and the answer is usually "it won't be that bad, let's go with it". If someone's big idea is to intentionally drop your production database though, probably some apprehensiveness might be wise. I'm not sure much less warrants it.

#### A Personal Example from Me, A Web Engineer

- I've worked at places where there's a committee and a 3-hour long discussion before any idea is implemented. I usually have not lasted very long at any of these companies. Obviously, names won't be named.

- I work with [Michael](https://twitter.com/msevestre) on [software](https://www.wapps-hemo.org/) that directly benefits people living with my disease [hemophilia](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUIcTl9Hto4). The software we create together gives people–especially parents of children with the disease a tremendous amout of hope and peace of mind. We collaborate and bounce ideas around occasionally, and every idea is usually met with a resounding _"yes, and"_ and little to no doubt. If we have a bad idea (I once decided to use [RDS](https://aws.amazon.com/rds/) for a tiny database; terrible idea, very overkill), we still do it, learn from it, and iterate. **We embrace failure and controlled chaos to bring out the best in each other and our products**, and for this, I've considered joining Michael full-time on multiple occasions and am always eager to continue due to the creativity afforded to me.

### 4. Technical Impact

Yes yes, this is at the bottom of the list because technology is usually binary and far simpler than human complex emotions and such. And also it's kind of obvious, no? Web engineers can have a technical impact? Of course, the _degree_ of technical impact is what I find so fascinating. 

You've got people like [Sebastian Markbåge](https://twitter.com/sebmarkbage) who seem like these wise sages who sit in the clouds and [dream up powerful concurrent features](https://twitter.com/sebmarkbage/status/1142084171717730304) that revolutionize UI rendering, and _then_ you have the early-career 19 year old bootcamp grad whose impact is a company's landing page. Both impacts are not only meaningful, but _complementary_. Would Sebastian's concurrent features be useful if there was no demand for it from web engineers with lesser impact? Doubtful. It's a system where every cog is key.


#### How Can We Grow It

In my opinion, this is the easiest to grow out of these 4 pillars because it's a cycle of build break build break build break build break build break build break build break build break build break build break over time until you build and scale resilient systems that can then be modularized and used across virtually infinite parts of the web.

[Jeremy Keith](https://twitter.com/adactio) has an amazing talk about this kind of thing expressed as [pace layers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ll1e8cYx3do). I feel like (this isn't a proven fact) **increasing technical impact is an inevitibility if there is enough desire**. Unlike the phenomenon where people stay emotionally ignorant for an entire lifetime of experiencing emotion, if you write enough code and want it to get better, it usually will. Why? Because it's binary rules. Do it enough, and your technical impact will grow. This is also how mine has.

#### A Personal Example from Me, A Web Engineer

I've been writing code 1/3 of my life or more. Here's the journey:

- started making landing pages, mostly HTML + CSS
- learned about [GraphQL](https://github.com/TejasQ/basically-fullstack-graphql) and [WebWorkers](https://github.com/TejasQ/basically-web-workers) because I felt incompetent, grew
- learned Postgres, PowerBI, a bit of (non GraphQL) API design, grew
- learned advanced TypeScript because I heard buzzwords and felt incompetent, grew
- learned RxJs because someone told me it's awesome, grew
- [was scared of React internals, so I though "let's try to create it from scratch", grew](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2mMOiCSj5c&t=185s)

Honestly, my whole life is **incompetence-driven development** and here we are. Today, I'm the director of developer relations at [Xata](https://xata.io) with quite a bit of technical impact both in the workplace and out through [various](https://github.com/TejasQ/add-gitignore) [open source](https://github.com/xataio/screenshot) [stuff](https://github.com/contiamo/restful-react).

## Conclusion

This was long. I guess this is why this didn't fit on iMessage. Hi Iris, hope this is what you wanted. Appreciate you. Peace!

impact-pillars-web-engineering

# Goodbye Facebook

Why I'm deleting my Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp accounts at the end of the month.

On the surface, [Facebook](https://facebook.com), [Instagram](https://instagram.com), and [WhatsApp](https://whatsapp.com) each have had a generally positive impact on my life: I've connected with friends in rich ways; I've seen meaningful updates from their lives while also being able to share mine. It undoubtedly brought us closer, while _also_ rekindling old friendships that would have otherwise grown stale. All for _"free"_!

I say _"free"_ because, while I don't pay for it with money, I pay for it with _my life_. Facebook's entire business model depends on _my engagement_  within their apps. Knowing this, they [have a reputation](https://www.thesun.co.uk/tech/12724230/facebook-lawsuit-instagram-spying) for actively collecting as much data on me as they can, and using it for their profit, selling targeted ads to advertisers. (This also includes Instagram)

While the shadiness of it all irked me a bit, I found it understandable: _it's capitalism_. They need to make money, and they can do so from whatever data they collect. Fine. I mean... [there's a scary amount of data on me](https://threatpost.com/twenty-something-asks-facebook-his-file-and-gets-it-all-1200-pages-121311/75994/), but whatever. I'm not a spy or anything so this is mostly OK.

## Is it though?

Let's dig a little deeper.

### FOMO

The more I find myself scrolling Instagram or similar, the more I feel like I'm missing out. 

> Wow, Tony travelled to Estonia again! How beautiful! Man, I wish I could travel! Ugh!

While the reality is that **I'm taking a moment out of my mundane to look at someone's highlight reel**, there's a different story going on subconsciously. If I'm not careful, I often find myself feeling like my life isn't as good as everyone else's. Their grass looks waaaay greener.

Thing is, people tend to only post green grass. Fertilized with bullshit.

### Too much to do, too little time

Based on conversations I have with _real people in real life_ (as opposed to on WhatsApp), there seems to be a prevailing idea that 24 hours just _isn't enough time in a day_ to get all the things done that I want to get done. I've heard this even _in a lockdown_ &mdash; where there's literally not much else to do than stay at home!

Now, while social media might not be the only cause of this constant chasing after our goals, the truth is this &mdash; **with every swipe through our timelines, we're trading a moment of our present for someone's past.** At some point, we've got to ask ourselves &mdash; is it worth it?

For me, it isn't.

### MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN

For platforms whose entire business model depends on user engagement, one super effective way to keep customers engaged and engagement high is similar to what we see in the film industry: _make 'em feel things_. 

Using the data Facebook collects from me, it can (and does) show me a _lot_ of content I agree with. I am [pro mask](https://www.ucsf.edu/news/2020/06/417906/still-confused-about-masks-heres-science-behind-how-face-masks-prevent). They know this. They fill my timeline with people wearing masks.

_"Ah yes, \*clicks like\*"_ 👍

This makes me feel like I'm right. 

Then, they show me [maskless Karens screaming about something or the other](https://www.facebook.com/133793163343849/videos/314666256452529). This makes me feel annoyed. 

_"Ugh, \*clicks angry face reaction\*"_ 😡

And on and on the cycle goes &mdash; echoes echoing in the social media echo chamber &mdash; until I see more and more of what I believe to be true, and content that _ridicules the other side_.

Friends – **the them vs. us narrative is a goldmine for user engagement**. And Facebook knows it. They know it and use it to further the only goal for-profit companies ultimately care about: cold. hard. cash.

2020 (and unfortunately 2021) has shown us what inevitably becomes of this: we've been locked in our homes because of an ongoing pandemic, often with nothing else to do but _scroll, scroll, and scroll on social media some more_, each time seeing content that fuels a narrative where _we're right and **they're wrong**_. 

> GUNS ARE MY RIGHT!
> MY FACE, MY CHOICE!
> PRESIDENT TRUMP WILL DESTROY THE CULT OF EVIL PEDOPHILES AND RESTORE UTOPIA!!!

Without social media, I don't see how [QAnon](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/QAnon) could have become what it has become.

Here' the bottom line: **it is exceedingly clear to me that social media, when driven by a capitalist agenda, is toxic and altogether dangerous, proving to be an echo chamber that catalyzes the radicalization of human beings to the detriment of society.**

The recent [attack on the US Capitol](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2021_storming_of_the_United_States_Capitol) and the incredible momentum of the QAnon conspiracy theory is clear evidence of this.

And I want no part in it.

For this reason, effective January 31, I am deleting my Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp accounts and taking all my data with me. Enough is enough.

Since I love connecting with people, I'll need to fill the void with something better. Stay tuned for a follow-up blog post about where I'm going instead. 

Spoiler: [Signal](https://signal.org/en/download/) over WhatsApp.


goodbye-facebook

# 2020 in Review: Still Thankful

A look back at the weirdest year I've lived yet.

What a year. An unprecedented novel coronavirus, all kinds of lockdowns, politics, racism, aaaahhhhhhh. Yet, here we are. On the other side of it, we made it! Here’s a short look back at _my_ 2020, highlighting one special moment from every month. 

I hope this gives you hope and makes you smile at the joys we can share, even when the whole world is forced into distance. 

## January

![Rob and I before the event](/img/blog/2020-recap/jan.jpg)

This is [Robin Böhm](https://twitter.com/robinboehm). He helped organize a [Global Diversity CFP day](https://twitter.com/gdcfpday) back in January, where I was able to meet a ton of vibrant, interesting, and talented people in tech. 

The collaborative energy in the room, along with the open, tolerant, and diverse atmosphere made this a definite highlight of January 2020. 

Also lockdowns weren’t even a thing back then, so there’s that.

## February

![Me and my parents in Sydney](/img/blog/2020-recap/feb.jpg)

I GOT TO SEE MY PARENTS!!!!!!!! Thanks to an invitation from my dear friend [Jed Watson](https://twitter.com/jedwatson), I was able to visit Australia to speak at [ReactConf AU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xL0a6YJIQU). 

While there, my parents decided to meet me in Australia to celebrate my mom’s birthday. It was an absolute delight to be able to spend my mom’s birthday with my immediate and [extended family](https://twitter.com/valparkie), speak at an amazing conference, and make a ton of new friends. 

## March

|Then|Now|
|:--|:--|
|![Dwikie and I when we first met, February 2011](/img/blog/2020-recap/dwik.jpg)|![Dwikie, PJ and I in March 2020](/img/blog/2020-recap/mar.jpg)|

This is [Raden Dwikie Wicaksono Pranindityo Pinontoan](https://twitter.com/dwikster). One of my best friends in the whole world. We met _on a boat_ in Qatar when I was 18 and, to this day, have a friendship that knows no borders. I love Dwikie and was extremely thankful for the opportunity to hang out with him in transit on my way back from Australia. 

## April

![Hannah, Lea and I](/img/blog/2020-recap/apr.jpg)

Hannah is an extremely creative and talented artist in Berlin. One fine day in April, when her internet wouldn’t let her complete an upload, she came over to our house with a USB stick and we finished her upload here. 

It was great to catch up with her, even in the middle of the first lockdown. 

## May

![Mischa, Fabien and I coworking at Contiamo's old office](/img/blog/2020-recap/may.jpg)

In this photo are two of the most talented engineers I’ve ever worked with in my entire career, but more importantly, a couple of my really good friends in Berlin. 

[Fabien](https://twitter.com/fabien0102), [Mischa](https://twitter.com/mpotomin) and I worked together back when I worked at [Contiamo](https://contiamo.com) and — they were so much fun that we’ve stayed in touch ever since. We schedule time now and then to cowork with each other and get lunch and things. It is _very_ life giving. 

## June

![Shaw, Katharina, Elijah, Eleanor, Lea and I in Stechow (or somewhere)](/img/blog/2020-recap/jun.jpg)

We spent a weekend glamping in the middle of nowhere with our good friends Shaw and Katharina from [The Limelight Collective](https://limelightcollective.com). They've been good friends of ours for years and pour so much valuable wisdom and joy into our lives.

It was an extremely beautiful and enriching time we spent, lost somewhere out in the German countryside, away from the busy city vibes. 

Fear and anxiety surrounding the pandemic seemed nonexistent so far away from the media, but we were still cautious and vigilant.

## July

![The squad by Rathaus Schöneberg](/img/blog/2020-recap/jul.jpg)

MY HOMIES. There’s a bridge at [Rathaus Schöneberg](https://www.berlin.de/sehenswuerdigkeiten/3560314-3558930-rathaus-schoeneberg.html) where I get together with these lads. We’ll talk about the others later, but this one’s about my boy G (dude to my right). 

G — not to be confused with _the moon emoji_ 🌚 — loves cooking and has a wealth of information about pretty much any topic you can think of. Hanging out with G this year was a total highlight because he can relate to pretty much anything — and the food he cooks always hits the spot. 

## August

![My perfect lady and I](/img/blog/2020-recap/aug.jpg)

My wife. The love of my life and the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. We got married last August, and celebrated a year of marriage this August in Vienna. We saw sights, ate local food, and had a photoshoot to make it the perfect weekend anniversary getaway.

I am very, very thankful to have been able to celebrate our wedding anniversary the way we did this year, despite the pandemic. 

## September

![Schickling showing me something rad he was working on](/img/blog/2020-recap/sep.jpg)

[Johannes. Freaking. Schickling.](https://twitter.com/schickling) Dude founded [GraphCool](https://graph.cool), then [Prisma](https://prisma.io), and a bunch of cool things — but beyond that, a lovely, kind, smart, reflective friend and brother whom I genuinely enjoy interacting with. 

We got sushi together and talked about life and growth and [Jed Watson](https://twitter.com/jedwatson) and software and it’s an interaction that left such a positive impact on me that I will not soon forget. 

Johannes and I especially bonded over the gift of _coaching_ and understanding ourselves for the joy and profit of those around us. 

## October

![Adrian and I orchestrating a livestream](/img/blog/2020-recap/oct.jpg)

ADIWHOMST. As in, Adrian. Adrian is a volunteer video person who is SO FREAKING GIFTED with live-streaming things, it’s nuts. 

I had the privilege of volunteering with him at a local church here to help with live streaming. His sense of humor and ridiculous ability to quickly grasp things was a blessing to have experienced this year. 

## November

![Kapli and I](/img/blog/2020-recap/nov.jpg)

KAPLIGNAT. This dude is a fitness freak who’s pretty much always ON AND about to GET IT. **I’M KAPLI UNNNGGFHH!!**

I met Kapli this year as he finished up university and got a job. Watching him grow from one blessing to the next was a definite highlight of this year. 

He also got me into running at the end of November and now I run 10K every other day — something I’ll probably be eternally thankful for. 

I LOVE RUNNING. If you'd like to enjoy running too, maybe [check out this playlist I curate](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1tum32lT4hhiUCJEO7cGAG?si=H8FZSsO_Q5Cqyytd4xzKIg) for cool songs to run to. I use it often and comfortably run 10K while grooving to the songs. 

## December

![Family.](/img/blog/2020-recap/dec.jpg)

It was an incredible blessing this year — in the middle of a pandemic — to be able to celebrate Christmas with people I love and hold dear. 

In this picture is my wife, her family — and my brother JB: my brother though not by birth, but by choice. We’ve been friends since we were children in Qatar, through today in Germany. I am/we are deeply thankful to have been able to spend Christmas surrounded by family. 

![JB and I over 10 years ago.](/img/blog/2020-recap/jb.JPG)

## Summing it up

While 2020 was generally not the best year, I am thankful for the people and the relationships with them that I got to enjoy throughout the year: new and old alike. 

And yes — I earned more money in 2020 than I did in 2019, I am physically stronger in 2020 than in 2019, I have a whole new league of skills in 2020 than I did in 2019 — but ultimately, I believe it’s the people we meet and the experiences we have that make us richer as humans. In the words of [Jon Foreman](https://twitter.com/jonforeman), [I want to be rich in memories, not money — our love is our inheritance, honey.](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sVG6C3iuCsQ)

With that, I’d call _my_ 2020 — despite the circumstances — a year that I am thankful for as I eagerly peer into 2021.


2020-in-review

# Why I Don't Prefer Speaking at Remote Conferences

I have spoken at a number of international conferences. In the wake of COVID-19 and the novel coronavirus (SARS-CoV-2),
this blog post outlines my thoughts on remote speaking engagements held over video-conferencing platforms.

I've got to start by saying – I love you.

You, the person reading this.

We may have never met. You may not even know who I am. Yet, it's _true_. I love and care for your well being. I want you
to succeed. I want you to get the most out of life. I want to see you flourish. I want it to be as though the most
perfect version of your life was brought down from Heaven (if you're so inclined) to Earth.

## Conferences

I travel a lot. I speak at a lot of conferences [all](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jNu1k4Bwa8)
[over](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZsBW4S8hYMU) [the world](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xL0a6YJIQU) about
[technology](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2mMOiCSj5c&feature=youtu.be),
[management](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdiUFma8QJU), [health](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUIcTl9Hto4) and
other topics. At the time of writing, I have around 20 speaking engagements planned in about 16 different cities across
the globe. I had every intention to speak at all of them until
[something so small](https://www.who.int/emergencies/diseases/novel-coronavirus-2019) that we can't even _see_ started
to disrupt the world and shut down travel, education, and economy.

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">🧐 2019 in review, geographically.<br><br>🚩12 countries<br>🚶🏾 705km walked<br>🚲 675km bicycled<br>🚞 4,092km on trains/cars <br><br>Total travel distance: 62,007km, or<br>🌏 1.5x around the Earth<br><br>🙏🏾 Thankful every day for the gift that is my life. 🔥❤️ <a href="https://t.co/7GSutezjAl">pic.twitter.com/7GSutezjAl</a></p>&mdash; tejas (@TejasKumar_) <a href="https://twitter.com/TejasKumar_/status/1214955885254103040?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 8, 2020</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>

Making hard calls, conference organizers are opting to do the [right thing](https://staythefuckhome.com/) in order to
prevent the spread of this novel coronavirus: from outright cancelling conferences for the foreseeable future, to moving
to a _remote model_ where speakers present via video conferencing.

> So Tejas, would you speak at {{insert name of remote conference}}?

After asking around on Twitter to see what people generally think, there are a number of differing opinions on the
matter. All valid, all good.

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">As an org/speaker I just don’t feel the point of virtual events.<br>It kinda degrades the experience to a plain video, where you can’t meet the community itself. The stage, the excitement is different. The personal connection is not there.</p>&mdash; Szabolcs Szabolcsi-Toth (@_Nec) <a href="https://twitter.com/_Nec/status/1237834262625374208?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 11, 2020</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">50/50<br><br>👍 it would be waaaay easier on the mind and work (don&#39;t have to take days off from work + travel + stay in a different city)<br><br>👍 a lot more accessible, more + diverse set of people would see the talk<br><br>👎 won&#39;t be able to hang out with any of my friends or make new ones</p>&mdash; Sid (@siddharthkp) <a href="https://twitter.com/siddharthkp/status/1238100124741570560?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 12, 2020</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">From a speaker&#39;s perspective, I feel more comfortable speaking remotely or over a video stream (less pressure IMO compared to doing it in person).<br><br>But engagement is 10x harder :/ You can&#39;t do fun things like give out sticker to audience or have them participate in the same way</p>&mdash; Rusty Joe 🦀 (@jsjoeio) <a href="https://twitter.com/jsjoeio/status/1237834710270668800?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 11, 2020</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>

## I think it's time to voice mine.

Given how I feel about you from the start of this post (spoiler alert: I love you), you must know – what motivates me to
travel thousands of miles between [🇦🇺 New South Wales](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xL0a6YJIQU) and
[🇺🇸 Utah](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71pKrWWOE0k) – is really only love. It's not exposure, it's not money, it's
not applause. It's love.

Conference talks are nice, sharing knowledge is definitely important, but my favorite thing about it all is **the
conversation**. Particularly, the conversations that we're able to have behind the scenes, over coffee ☕️, or just
hanging back at the venue; topics ranging from hope, webpack, pair programming, life, and TypeScript.

I really enjoyed hearing [Deshi](https://twitter.com/deshiknaves)'s story of how he grew up in third-culture
circumstances as I did, or [Jan](https://twitter.com/jansche)'s incredible story of
[how he turned himself into a cyborg](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sm9BjqfgPNM) for an optimal quality of life.

Whether you want to admit it or not, there's something of a human soul in and around these personal interactions that is
somehow lost on video calls. I am here for this personal connection more than much else.

For this reason, I cannot, in good conscience, _easily_ speak at remote events. To me, it seems like a short sell: my
face on a screen for a few minutes sharing mere knowledge, and then abandoning the crowd or engaging in toneless textual
conversation.

My hope is that in terms of implementation, organisers might get creative and crack the secret sauce on remote
conferences, making things more personal and cultivating a real connection. This seems like quite the challenge. I've
never seen the same type of human connection on a digital medium _ever_ so far.

## My Apologies

With all this said, I must apologize – in the wake of COVID-19, I am not willing to speak at a conference on a
video-conferencing basis. This **does not mean** that I am not open to _any_ remote speaking engagements over
video-conferencing ever. I will evaluate each engagement on a case-by-case basis.

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Conversations will not be cancelled.<br>Relationships will not be cancelled.<br>Love will not be cancelled.<br>Songs will not be cancelled.<br>Reading will not be cancelled.<br>Self-care will not be cancelled.<br>Hope will not be cancelled.<br><br>May we lean into the good stuff that remains.</p>&mdash; Jamie Tworkowski (@jamietworkowski) <a href="https://twitter.com/jamietworkowski/status/1238176161043230720?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 12, 2020</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>

I really look forward to this pandemic being over and things going back to normal – where physical, _real_ human faces,
voices, stories, and experiences are able to be exchanged once again. I truly believe these interactions make all
parties involved far richer than they were prior.

why-i-do-not-prefer-speaking-at-remote-conferences

# Why I think remote work is incredible

Two months ago, I started a new job at [G2i](https://g2i.co/) that is fully remote. Here’s why I think working from home is incredible. 

## Prior Art

In my previous on-site desk jobs, I’ve often struggled with self care: I rarely had the chance to get enough sleep, and when I did, it was seldom stress-free. Morning meetings would ruin the night before, and location-sensitive events would interrupt the regular working day. The result? Less-than-happy Tejas. 

## On-site work in a nutshell

To put it succinctly, my experience working on-site looked a lot like this:

* Go to bed stressing out about waking up on time and making the morning standup
* Can’t sleep because I REALLY WANT TO FALL ASLEEP right now
* Wake up unrested, continue to stress out about being on time
* Get to the office on time to find out the morning meeting moved
* Ok, at least there’s free coffee ☕️
* Start coding 
* Ah, it’s time for the (probably unneeded) meeting
* _talk talk talk_
* Okay where was I 
* Start coding 
* Oh it’s time for lunch
* Eat
* Coffee
* Yes, back to work 💪🏾 
* Ah, another meeting 
* What?! It’s 4pm already?!
* Okay, time to code
* Oh. Planning meeting. Right. 
* Hm. 6pm and I didn’t get as deep as I wanted to. 😕
* K home time
* want to gym but I’m tired
* hi wife how are you 
* start stressing out about going to bed on time to wake up on time 
* repeat

I should say that this isn’t targeted to one specific employer or work environment. This is pretty much the pattern I’ve seen in most working environments that were bound to an office location.

Sure, there weren't planning meetings _every day_, and some days, I was able to get a satisfying amount of work done, but by and large, interruptions happened far more than I would have preferred and finding focus was often quite challenging.

## Remote work in a nutshell 

What does remote work look like? How does it compare? This is what I’ve experienced over the last 2 months:

* Wake up, all my coworkers are asleep.
* Make coffee just the way I like it at home. ☕️😌
* Focused, uninterrupted work because it’s like 4am where most of my coworkers are. 
* OK things are green. ✅ Time to commit and push. 🚀 
* Hm. It’s beautiful outside. Let’s go to the gym. 💪🏾🚴🏾‍♂️
* Ok, back to work. 
* Focused, quality work time. 
* Around 5pm, people have woken up and are working. It's time for meetings!
* Finish the day talking to people I appreciate after feeling like I contributed meaningful code.
* Encourage some of them to go about their day well. 
* Go to bed satisfied. 
* Repeat. 

To be clear, I find meetings _good_, especially pair programming and mentorship. I especially appreciate them because they bring us _together_ and give us a shared sense of responsibility. What I find a little hard are _spontaneous_ meetings: I've often worked in open offices and got summoned quite a lot either directly (hey there!) or indirectly (people talking and my ears following). 

_"Just get noise-cancelling headphones"_ doesn't help in this case because there are more environmental factors than auditory ones.

## Remote work: the not-so-incredible parts

While it's been mostly positives, I've also struggled with remote work in some places. For example,

- hmmm I bet I can do this
- _get focused_
- _get in the zone_
- it's 3am?!
- sleep
- wake up at noon
- struggle to sleep at 10pm or a more "reasonable" time
- lose sight of a normal lifestyle
- insomnia
- (unhealthy) weight gain
- etc.

It all centers around losing some type of rhythm. It seems to me we have an internal clock that _reeeeeally_ doesn't like to be disturbed. Kind of like how taking long flights _wrecks_ us even though we don't do much but sit around on a plane ✈️ for 14 hours.

To combat this, I've resolved to wake up at 7am every day – no matter what. My routine for the past few days has been:

- wake up at 7am
- work out
- start work around 10am
- stop work around 7pm
- enjoy my evening
- go to bed and chill with netflix or something around 9pm
- fall asleep at 11pm
- repeat

With this, my body seems to be happy and I get the benefits of regular daily exercise, while also meeting my work goals. This appears to be some type of golden ratio that I've found recently. Things are more or less _pretty freaking great_ these days.

Do you have any other tips for me? [Let me know!](https://twitter.com/tejaskumar_)

## It’s not binary 

I must add &mdash; all of what I've said is speaking only of _my experience_ (and my experience _so far_) with remote work. I have never worked a remote job before in my life and these are preliminary findings. I'm sure there's a lot more nuance to it that I have yet to discover.

I’m sure it’s not entirely binary, but a spectrum of tradeoffs, as are most things in life.

What do you think? Do you agree with me? Do you disagree? What was your experience like? I’d love to hear your perspective. Let me know on [twitter](https://twitter.com/tejaskumar_). 

why-i-think-remote-work-is-incredible

# 5 things I love about my website (and how they're built)

This site is home to certain tech and web dev goodies that make me very happy. This post is about what they are, and how they work. 

## 1. It follows light/dark mode based on your preference

While most websites these days come with some type of dark/light mode toggle switch, I serve you content based on the setting that you've set on your system: if you use your phone/computer in dark mode, you get dark mode. If you use it in light mode, you get light mode.

![An example of dark mode switching on macOS](/img/blog/5-things-post/darkmode.gif)

This is made possible by the powerful [`prefers-color-scheme` media query in CSS](https://developer.mozilla.org/en-US/docs/Web/CSS/@media/prefers-color-scheme). [Here's a code sample that makes that possible](https://github.com/TejasQ/tejaskumar.com/blob/d96da38f6fbb32c4b1be760d95d5226f4f482fe7/components/BlogPost.tsx#L49-L64).

## 2. It is a dream to develop

This website is built with [React](https://reactjs.org/) and [ZEIT](https://zeit.co/)'s popular framework [Next.js](https://nextjs.org/), which honestly is such a dream to work with. 😍 Next.js' opinionated-ness as a framework takes a lot of the mental overhead of structuring things away from me and, in many ways, _"just works"_. What's even better, is it's all magically ✨ server-rendered out-of-the-box, without extra work from me so search engines can pick it up and people can find it!

![An example of NON-server rendering](/img/blog/5-things-post/clientrender.gif)

### Server Rendering

What is server rendering? It's when a site is _"rendered"_ (think, _drawn_) on the server and then delivered to a browser. This way, you get the content _immediately_ from a _server_. This is a bit different than how many websites work on the web today. If you've ever opened up a website and seen spinners immediately before your content, it's quite likely that it was _not_ server rendered: it was _"drawn"_ (or _rendered_) in your browser (AKA the client, AKA _not_ a server).

The benefit of server-rendering for me is:
- You get your content immediately, instead of spinners
- Search engines can read it easier
- No jumpy and possibly unpredictable behavior: if you load a non-server-rendered-spinner-driven website on a train, or somewhere with intermittent internet, the user experience could end up in some strange, unpredictable state. This risk doesn't quite exist with server rendering.

Next.js gives me all of this _for free_, without having to do anything.

### Deployment

IT GETS BETTER! Using another product from ZEIT called `now`, I'm able to upload this site to the internet _magically_ by running _one_ command. And _just like that_, tejaskumar.com is up-to-date with the latest blog post and can scale infinitely and handle billions of readers at any given time.



What a time to be alive. 😍

## 3. Whimsy

I've tried to keep this website playful and _whimsical_, with the [silly photos of me](https://github.com/TejasQ/tejaskumar.com/blob/master/public/tejass/13.png) and [odd nicknames](https://github.com/TejasQ/tejaskumar.com/blob/master/util/tej-variants.ts). I feel like we can all sometimes get too serious. I'd like my little corner of the internet to be fun and not so [_langweilig_](https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C5CHFA_enDE756DE756&ei=6PMlXt-LAoH6kwXZp5zoBQ&q=langweilig+in+english).

| Real Mac Dock | My Dock |
|--------|-------|
| ![An example of the Mac Doc effect](/img/blog/5-things-post/real-dock.gif) | ![An example of a copy of the Mac Doc effect](/img/blog/5-things-post/dock.gif) |

I even created a mouseover effect to mimic the [macOS dock](https://support.apple.com/guide/mac-help/dock-mh35859/mac) in CSS just for fun because _why not_. Let's make it playful and fun. If you have ideas for ways we can continue to boost the whimsy of this website, [let me know on twitter](https://twitter.com/TejasKumar_) and it could be a cool collaboration between us! 😄

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Working on a &lt;ConfettiGeyser&gt; component for my React Europe Whimsy Workshop :D this one&#39;ll be a ton of fun to build. <a href="https://t.co/JlTMUWaxad">pic.twitter.com/JlTMUWaxad</a></p>&mdash; 🌈 Josh (@JoshWComeau) <a href="https://twitter.com/JoshWComeau/status/1126575908754788354?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 9, 2019</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>

I really appreciate Josh Comeau and [the things he creates](https://tinkersynth.com/) because they're creative and beautiful. It's this kind of flair/vibe that I appreciate on the web.

## 4. GitHub is my backend

I've had a number of conversations that go like this:

> I'm starting a blog. What stack should I choose? What should my backend be? 🤔

I've had this conversation with myself often. As with most things, I'd like to employ the KISS (Keep It Simple and Spectacular) principle.

I'm a huge fan of the [JAMStack](https://jamstack.org/): the **JavaScript**, **APIs**, **Markup** stack. That's entirely how this site works:

- the interactivity of this page is provided by **JavaScript**,
- via [GitHub's GraphQL **API**](https://github.com/TejasQ/tejaskumar.com/blob/111ae18633d2fd16aab9fdfaf9ccdba127d86302/util/getInitialBlogPosts.ts#L10), it retrieves [blog posts contained in this repo](https://github.com/TejasQ/tejaskumar.com/tree/master/blog) written in [markdown](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Markdown), and finally
- renders [markup](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Markup_language) in your browser via Next.js.

There are a number of different backends I could use. I could even go _"backendless"_ and have everything be statically generated using [Gatsby](https://www.gatsbyjs.org/) or similar. Why do I choose a GitHub backend? I'm glad you asked.

1. **The source code lives on GitHub.** Like... it's _there_. A database is essentially a folder containing files and things in a certain structure. There's no real reason my [blog folder](https://github.com/TejasQ/tejaskumar.com/tree/master/blog) couldn't be a database. It seems like the simplest solution. There _are_ limitations, but they don't matter much to me. 

2. **Static build time.** This blog has 3 posts on it at the time of writing. 3. Three. T h r e e. Drei. That's not a lot. But, when building something, I think of scenarios where it could have 3,000,000. 

    <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Curious: what are y&#39;all&#39;s thoughts on using a static site generator (maybe like <a href="https://twitter.com/gatsbyjs?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@gatsbyjs</a>?) at scale? <br><br>Say for example I have a project with 150k-200k articles. <br><br>What are your thoughts, concerns, etc. about this in terms of build time and deployment?</p>&mdash; Tejas Kumar (@TejasKumar_) <a href="https://twitter.com/TejasKumar_/status/1128028814829936645?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 13, 2019</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>

    In this case, a static site _could theoretically_ take a [looooooong time](https://twitter.com/monicalent/status/1128030476780937217) to build, which could be problematic. **This is the reason I have not chosen a static site generator.** I love client/server because it scales better and allows more clearly defined, non-blocking boundaries between components.

3. **Enforced transferrable writing.** Realistically, GitHub has a rate limit. I think it caps out at 5K requests per hour (please don't [DDoS](https://www.cloudflare.com/learning/ddos/what-is-a-ddos-attack/) me). At some point, I might have to move my blog post writings out of this GitHub repository and somewhere else. How hard will this migration be?

    Copy. Paste.

    It's _all text_. Literally, it's [_all markdown_](https://github.com/TejasQ/tejaskumar.com/blob/master/blog/1579543554591__5-things-i-love-about-my-website.md). The images are externally hosted and can be polyfilled, but besides that, it's text. I can copy these files to any other backend that supports, well, _text_, and nobody will be able to tell anything changed. Having GitHub as my API enforces me writing this way (transferably) and I love it!

    In case I outgrow the GitHub backend, I'd consider [Fauna](https://fauna.com/) or similar as a DB. 
    
    It supports text.

## 5. It is community driven

Did Tejas build this site? Kind of. Tejas built this with [these wonderful people](https://github.com/TejasQ/tejaskumar.com/graphs/contributors). It's a team effort! This website is community driven.

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">📣 I have some stuff I want to add to my website. <br><br>I would like to help underrep’d people in tech and/or newcomers. Let’s build these together! 🙌🏾<br><br>1) 🍔 Burger menu for mobile<br>2) 🎙 Talks section<br><br>👨🏾‍💻 If you want to learn to code, please reach out.<br><br>I want to help you succeed.</p>&mdash; Tejas Kumar (@TejasKumar_) <a href="https://twitter.com/TejasKumar_/status/1217839590213660673?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 16, 2020</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>

I also have a list of developers I plan to collaborate with in the near future. This list is composed of people with varying backgrounds (beginners through experts) and usually from underrepresented groups in tech. It's an honor and a privilege to use my little corner of the web as a platform to help others in the tech industry as it grows increasingly beautiful each day.

Ah, writing all this reminds me how much I have to be thankful for.

_brb_

5-things-i-love-about-my-website

# What I Learned From Getting Pushed Off My Bicycle

This post is about things I learned after being randomly attacked on the streets of Berlin when a stranger pushed me off my bicycle.

Last week, [I tweeted](https://twitter.com/TejasKumar_/status/1214970326695710721) about being at my end when someone
pushed me off my bicycle. I was _genuinely confused_ because I've never experienced such an act of random aggression.
This, coupled with my mental issues, led me down a depressive spiral wherein I questioned life, humanity, and our
behaviors. This blog post aims to summarize what I've found.

## The Context

For context, here are a few things you need to know about me:

- I have the most severe kind of [hemophilia](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoXBuJSURTI).
- Because of this, I spent the first 23 years of my life in a very volatile state between life and death:
  - I would be healthy one day, and some insignificant, unnoticeable event (like _opening a door_) would cause me to
    bleed internally.
  - I would notice hours later that I had lost a significant amount of blood and _nearly die_.
  - I would then, fueled by a lot of adrenaline, **_hustle_** to the emergency hospital for urgent care.
  - I sometimes would spend weeks admitted in the hospital thereafter.
- I am not cured, I just have better healthcare. If I don't take my medicine every 48 hours, the same things can happen
  today.
- These mental gymnastics of swinging between _"OMG IM DYING!!!"_ and _"heh, life is pretty great 👍🏾"_ have given me
  prominent [bipolar disorder](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder).
- The nearly dying on and off has given me
  [PTSD](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967). I
  sometimes panic and think I'm dying even though I'm more or less fine nowadays.

## The Incident

I had woken up depressed and had a generally crappy day. This is not atypical for me since I have bipolar disorder. I
didn't feel like it, but I dragged myself to German class (it's one of my
[goals](https://twitter.com/TejasKumar_/status/1212085975050047490) for this year). On my way back, as I'm casually
riding my bicycle 🚴🏾‍♂️, someone walking alongside me on the street stretched out his arms and pushed me _off my bicycle_.
I fell. When I got up, I looked at him and said _"what's the problem?!"_.

Turns out, it was a pedestrian (zebra) crossing that I had not seen.

- The zebra stripes were yellow on a black asphalt road,
- it was night time, and
- the contrast ratio between the yellow street light and the zebra stripes wasn't ideal.

[Pay attention to a11y](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04DOp1F9Od4), y'all!

### It Was My Fault

The person who pushed me off my bicycle is _"in the right"_ in this case. **It was my fault.** I should have stopped and
let him pass. Perhaps he overreacted a bit, but most people who know me know I overreact a few times myself. It's part
of the human experience.

He also didn't know I have severe hemophilia. He probably would have exercised a little more restraint if he did.

## The Lessons

In retrospect, all of this makes perfect sense to me. In the moment though, it sent me down an exponentially darker and
more depressive emotional rabbit 🐇 hole than I was already on. I woke up depressed, this made it worse.

> "why are people like this?" "why is this city so evil?" "why do I overreact just like this?" "are we all just lost and
> angry"

I wonder if you can relate.

My good friend Dave 🧔🏻 says something I really appreciate often:

> We often want the mountaintop experiences in life, where everything is beautiful and where we're _happy_ –
> experiencing accomplishment from the climb and the breathtaking beauty on top of the mountain 🏔.
>
> What we keep forgetting though, is that nothing can really live on mountaintops: it's all dead up there.
>
> Life and growth happens in the valleys.

I love this. As someone who has spent an extraordinary amount of time in the valleys (you know,
[from _nearly dying_ all the time](#the-context)), I agree. People often say to me _"oh dear, you're depressed, that's
so sad! I hope it doesn't last long and you feel happy again soon!"_. I hear where they're coming from, _and_ I
appreciate it, but I'll feel happy again _when I feel happy_.

For me, it all happens in waves. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm not, but when I'm in a depressive state, it needn't
be _bad_ – [it serves me well](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUIcTl9Hto4&t=8m40s)! When I'm happy, I'm too busy living
in the moment to reflect and re-evaluate the world and my place in it – I just want to have a good time. It's in the
depressive episodes, in the valleys, where I go looking for hope, truth, meaning, and purpose – and where I find it.

## The Outcome

Here's what came out of my depressive episode, triggered by my hemophilic-bipolar disorder, and amplified by a random
dude who threw me off my bike:

0. **I should start a blog to collect my thoughts** and share things LOL&nbsp;&nbsp;![party parrot](https://emojis.slackmojis.com/emojis/images/1471119458/990/party_parrot.gif)

1. **I am _thankful_ to have a community of friends who care for my well being.** I have received
   [so](https://twitter.com/gethackteam/status/1215170952876756992)
   [many](https://twitter.com/hdjirdeh/status/1215004323253555206)
   [messages](https://twitter.com/manjula_dube/status/1214997686102810624) from friends and family expressing a ~genuine
   concern~ _love_ 🔥 for me. _Little old me! The sick nobody! That odd hemophilia dude!_ I'd never want to take this
   incredible gift of community for granted. From the bottom of my heart, y'all, I am **_thankful_** to and _for_ y'all.
   ❤️

2. **People are hurting.** Would the d00d have pushed me off my bike if he was happy and content with the world?
   [Studies say most likely no](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/29279219). I wager that the reason we have things
   that make us cringe with disgust in the world today: gatekeeping, racism, mansplaining, etc. is because people are
   hurting.

   People are hurting from feeling like they're not _clever_ enough so they gatekeep using esoteric language that
   inflates the ego, because _they need it_ to feel important and ease the pain. I sometimes _mansplain_ (to my shame!)
   because I want people to think I'm smart. I don't do it to put people down, but rather to help me bring myself up!
   It's approval seeking because on some deep level, I feel inadequate and it _terrifies_ me.

   The (counterfeit) solution? Pretend. Fake it 'til you make it, no matter the cost.

   The _actual_ solution? Truth.

   I publicly acknowlege that **I fail** in one way or another, either technically or physically or whatever. I'm a
   flawed human. It is what it is. I'm trying to improve, but it's kind of a
   _[gradient descent](https://ml-cheatsheet.readthedocs.io/en/latest/gradient_descent.html)_ kind of thing. There will
   be error. It's unavoidable and that is okay.

3. **I have a mission.** I'm convinced the world is broken. You're welcome to disagree with me but I mean...
   [look](https://twitter.com/Silvie_Reichert/status/1216822288076681220)
   [around](https://twitter.com/chrstnplcnnn/status/1216376212823724033). And so, while I can occasionally get
   sidetracked with my depression and bipolar and PTSD and bleeding to death or whatever, there are people around me
   facing just as much hardship as I am.

   As one who has suffered possibly far more than most can imagine, my mission is clear: _restoration_.

   I want to help put the pieces back together however/wherever/whenever I am able. What a world it would be if the dude
   who threw me off my bike's hurt was healed. What if he would then go on to help others heal, and they'd help others
   and those people would help even _MOAR PEOPLE_ and exponential healing and wholeness would cascade through all that
   we know.

   This is kind of what I dreamed of in my depression.

   [I think we can do it.](https://twitter.com/TejasKumar_/status/1183038225717313538)

   <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">It&#39;s the mindset of &quot;I think I can, I think I can&quot; that ultimately makes you succeed. (3/8)</p>&mdash; Tejas Kumar (@TejasKumar_) <a href="https://twitter.com/TejasKumar_/status/1183038225717313538?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 12, 2019</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>

Better go get started.


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